


Finding the Lord

by fanficfriends



Series: Happy Birthday [2]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games), Christian Bible
Genre: 12 Days of Blasphemy Challenge (Good Omens), Blasphemy, Bread making, Domestic Fluff, First Meetings, Getting Together, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mistaken Holograms, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Suggestive dough kneading, handsome jack sure has now, tasteful use of a 360 noscope, whats up gamers have you heard of our lord and savior?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28204251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanficfriends/pseuds/fanficfriends
Summary: Handsome Jack is having a typical day at the office when he suddenly finds his religion. Domestic fluff and blasphemy :)))
Relationships: Handsome Jack/Jesus Christ
Series: Happy Birthday [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2066082
Kudos: 3





	Finding the Lord

“You’re fired!” Handsome Jack yelled at the poor man standing meekly in the doorway. 

“Can I ask why, sir?” 

“You can! But then I’ll shoot you. I’ve got a brand new set of SMGs from R&D and I can’t wait to test ‘em out.” He spun his chair around and looked out at his gorgeous view of Pandora below. Being the CEO had its perks. After a moment of reveling in his own glory, he realized he hadn’t heard the sound of the guy walking away. He grabbed a gun from under his chair and spun it around towards where the stupid fool was probably still standing around and opened fire. As he’d suspected. Boom. 360 noscope. Blood splattered the wall behind where the man had been standing, falling gently onto the wall. A mess, but not his to deal with. Jack pressed the button on his golden desk that called whoever it was that cleaned up after him now after he’d fired the last person for leaving streaks on Buttstallion. 

They arrived with their head appropriately bowed, and Jack returned to his work. Vaults weren’t going to find themselves. Just as he was starting to dig into some sweet new intel, the cleaner had the absolute audacity to speak with him. “Um, sir? There was a Hyperion chip on the body. Do you want it?” Jack’s brow furrowed. That was a surprisingly okay question, given the fact that he usually wanted things. 

“Yeah. Toss it here and shut up.” They did as instructed and went back to mopping up blood. Jack caught the chip in midair and examined it. It was strangely advanced Hyperion tech for a random underling to have. Had they been stealing intel? He knew he’d fired them for a reason. Jack grabbed the chip and inserted it into his head to see just what exactly it was he’d found.

Blue lights flashed everywhere, and suddenly the hologram of a man appeared before him. A beautiful man with dark skin, white robes, and long flowing hair. His chocolate orbs stared deep into his soul. “Who the fuck are you?” Asked Jack, certain he hadn’t approved whatever this project was. 

“I’m Jesus.” The robed man responded plainly. 

Jack laughed, throwing his head back, “No you’re fucking not.” The idea was just preposterous. 

Jesus shook his head and smiled faintly. “You were not who I was expecting to see, but the lord works in mysterious ways. It would seem that you need me.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Jack removed the chip from his head and crushed it. Whatever program that was a part of needed to be shut down ASAP for wasting Hyperion’s precious resources. And yet, the man didn’t go away. The hologram stayed completely steady, whatever program it was a part of already downloaded onto his system.

Jack grabbed his gun to try and shoot at the hologram, but found he couldn’t pull the trigger. Something was steadying his hand. Controlling him.

“Violence is not the answer.” Jesus shook his head, disappointed. Something in the back of Jack’s brain felt kind of bad for being the one to inflict that look on his beautiful face. No- stop- what was he doing? He was Handsome Jack! He didn’t feel remorse. He wasn’t sure why, but he stood and walked out of his office, past the dead body, and towards his kitchen. 

“Stop piloting my body you fucking perv.” Jack mumbled, uncomfortable with being bossed around for a change.

Jesus didn’t even flinch. “Or what? You’ll kill me? You can try, as others have, but I will return.” 

That confidence… Jack wasn’t sure why he was so into it. Oh no, could the hologram read his thoughts? He was, after all, inside his head. Jack blushed at the thought, but if the handsome hologram could read his mind he made no indication.

Jack found himself standing by the stove in his kitchen, grabbing ingredients from the cabinet. How did Jesus know where things were in this kitchen? 

“Are you hungry or something?” Jack asked, confused as to what on earth could be going on.

“No, Jack. I’m going to teach you that there are joys other than murder and money. For instance, the simple joy of making a beautiful loaf of bread.” 

Jack’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. And yet, as he mixed and measured and kneaded the dough, he found the experience rather… soothing. It helped that he was doing these tasks while looking at a man with a glorious mane of hair and gentle, kind, eyes, eyes that forgave him for his sins. Before he knew it, he had set the loaf to prove, and a deep calm had settled over his heart. He had never thought of himself as a religious man- but yet, he had named his daughter Angel. Had that come from a place of faith? Of godly love he didn’t know he’d had until Jesus had shown him the way? 

“How do you feel?” Jesus asked, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. While he’d thought Jesus had been a hologram, it was like he could feel the man touching him, warming him. Maybe this tech was worth investing in after all. 

Jack didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. For the first time in a long time, he felt… good. He wasn’t worried about vault hunters or power or money or Hyperion or his scars. Jesus smiled gently, and lifted Jack’s hand with his chin. 

“Then my work here is done.” Said Jesus, and the hologram began to flicker out.

“No, wait!” Called Jack, and the hologram stabilized again. He didn’t want to be without Jesus. He didn’t want to forget this calm he had never had before. “You can stay, just don’t- don’t control my body again, okay?” Jesus moved his hand from Jack’s shoulder to Jack’s cheek. 

“Oh Jack. Sweet, Handsome, Jack, I never controlled you.” 

Jack froze in confusion, “But the chip-”

“Was nothing. Broken tech. I’m not a hologram. Your subconscious was just looking for an excuse to see me. To find the lord. That’s why removing it didn’t get rid of me. I’m here as long as you want me. Jesus is inside everyone.” 

Jack blushed at the phrasing, at the thought of Jesus being inside him. For a moment, he thought he saw Jesus blush, too. Could he hear his thoughts after all? They stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity, when Jack’s timer rang and spoiled the moment. He grabbed a glass of water at the sink, hoping it would quench his thirst, before grabbing the loaf. It was done proving and needed to be put in the oven. 

“Ugh.” Jack groaned, “We have to wait even longer?” 

“Patience is a virtue.” Chided Jesus, a scolding that should not have turned him on as much as it did. 

“So is chastity.” Jack flirted, unable to contain his feelings any longer, “But I gave up on that a long time ago.”

Jesus smirked and waved a hand over Jack’s water glass. It turned the dark red of a rich wine. “Well, we all have our vices. But, I promise, good things come to those who wait.” 

Wow. Who knew?

The son of god was such a tease. 


End file.
